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Hello any loyal readers who have held out through the months with no posts. I apologize to you for making you wait so long. I am writing tonight merely because it is the last night I can write with my blog under this title: A Teen's Daily Journey. Because at midnight it will be my birthday and I will turn 20, leaving my teens behind. I still intend to continue the blog, merely updating the title to fit the writer.

I can't say that the title of this entry is entirely accurate. At the moment I'm hoping to start back up again, but it's hard to say how long things will last once I get wrapped up in homework and the general business of my life.

All I can say is that this summer held several inspirational moments, but unfortunately I forgot to write them all down. I was busy working as a nanny, traveling to Mexico and spending time with my family. Now that I'm out of all that crazy stuff I'm attempting to start again.

To begin with this blog slowly went downhill after I started it. There is a reason behind that and I would like to share it. Writing a blog about a Life in Christ, when you're not really living one is challenging. Yes, you heard me right. Last semester was not my most Christian experience.

I would say that this has been a year of great trials, great falls, and great discoveries. I will reassure anyone who is concerned by explaining that I have not left the Christian faith, nor do I intend to do so. I would describe my experience as sort of a dip in my faith. I started at a high point at the beginning of the year before dipping slowly throughout the semester and now I am finally back. It was merely a point in life where life seemed easy enough that I decided I didn't really want to follow God. I guess I felt like I didn't need him, so I pushed him away. I stopped attending chapels around February. I only started going again because I needed credits to avoid being fined. Throughout the summer there were a few church services where I just didn't want to be there. I felt strangely alienated. It was hard for me to worship.

There are a variety of sources to my strange little dip in faith, but to list all of them would take forever, so I will list merely a few.

One was merely a selfish focus, as I already said. I started writing a book and completely pushed God away from it. The book had sexual promiscuity, murder, stealing, prostitution, and several other sins without any obvious reference that these things were wrong. The book was finished and I had to say it is one of my best works, which is disappointing considering the contents. Part of me tried justifying it. Other parts of me tried to simply insist that if this book made me money it didn't matter what it said. But to God it did matter, and God is not a person to leave you alone when you're doing something wrong. Instead he nudges at your heart. Speaks to you softly. He bugs you every few days, telling you that what you're doing is wrong. And I knew that. It was part of the reason that I didn't want to be in church or chapel. I knew that what I had done was wrong, and I had no true justification. I felt exposed in church. I felt fake. I had promised God once that I would use my writing talents to glorify him, and I had fallen for lies that the world has spouted.

Not all is lost. I have revised sections of the book. It was quite a powerful moment in my life when I struggled and struggled to find an ending the satisfied me...an ending that healed this broken character and the only answer I could find was Christ. I did it. I surrendered both myself and my character to God in a moment of repentance. He has not yet said whether my work can be restored to work in the way He wants, but I still have hopes that His light can touch the darkness.

Another cause of my rift may be the Christians around me. I met several amazing people this year, but I also met Christians who did not really show me the true qualities of Christ. In my Bible Study I always felt most of the people around me were real, true to their faith. In my new surrounding I was suddenly faced with Christians who weren't. For some reason I think this pushed me away a bit. It wasn't so much that there were people at the school who weren't Christian. I knew they would be there. It was the lukewarm Christians that really rocked my faith. That combined with my own selfishness, and other things caused me to pull away bit by bit. Various theological questions raised also put my faith to the test. I will not specify, but there are still things my mind is trying to process in order for my relationship with God to truly come back to where it was last year.

I would not change things. I wouldn't. I think dips like these are important in a journey of faith, because after them the relationship is strengthened. My life has had two stages of faith: faith because it was expected, and faith because it was wanted. In my childhood I followed God because my parents did. In my conversion I suddenly became thirsty for Him and started on my own path. Now I have experienced a small picture of what it is like to live without God. I can now say from experience that I don't want to do it. I need God. Whether I like it or not, I do. I need him when I'm lonely, when I'm hurting, when I'm afraid, when I'm confused, when I'm lost, when I'm depressed, when I'm stressed out, when I'm struggling... and the journey through all that without God was rocky. I should have known there was a problem when my atheist friend told me to go pray (which I thank her for by the way), because she could do nothing for me, but she knew that at least my faith in God could. In this year I discovered that without God my identity is completely unstable. I almost gave up writing this summer over silly reasons. I was considering getting rid of my English major. This year I may quit orchestra. Suddenly all the things that seemed certain are not. With God I can always cling to my identity as His child. Without Him there, I am standing on shifting sands.

I hope that my confession of my lack of faith is pleasing to Him. I can tell you that my final moment of repentance came at a church service when they played How Great is our God- the song my mother and I have always treasured as ours. It reminded me of our other song Great is Thy Faithfulness which my mother heard after finding out she was pregnant with me. I was reminded by God that day that I am not only blessed by him with multiple talents which should go to his use, but by life as well. I am a miracle. 20 years ago on this very day God blessed my mother with my birth. I almost didn't happen, but God allowed me to be born. I was reminded as I stood in that church that I would not even exist without God, let alone be where I am. For that I turn back to him in thanks, and repentance, hoping to renew my journey in Him.

Lord I pray for a good year full of new experiences and friends. Guide me in your spirit. I need you, and I admit it. Thank you, Lord.