Lessons in Film

Pretty good Sunday overall. I went to church this morning before heading to a theater to see a film with my friends. The movie was called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. imdb.com describes it as "An introvert freshman is taken under the wings of two seniors who welcome him to the real world". This of course does not even begin to encompass the plot, but can be used as a very brief summary.



The movie is based on a book which contains the letters of an introverted high school freshman struggling through life. The movie of course encompasses the letter aspects in some ways with small bits of narration, but overall just focuses on the life of this struggling freshman boy named Charlie.

Charlie has obviously had a lot of troubles in his life. The viewer of the movie is introduced to him in a way that sparks sympathy, easily drawing him or her into the premise of the film. Charlie has been away from other people for a while because he was in the hospital. Charlie does not see fit to elaborate on that until later in the film, but it becomes clearer when he is seen taking medications, having flashbacks of his aunt, and talking about his friend who committed suicide. Charlie is obviously a boy who is struggling with the world.

The viewer cringes as Charlie faces bullying in high school, and may even feel a few tears gather as the young hero attempts to just fit in and get by, relying on his high school English course to pull him away from the realities of his painful life. The only source of hope is in two seniors he befriends who help to give him a new experience in life.



To many this film would be something that would be on a list of movies not to see because they are far from the "Christian" world view. On the other hand, I believe that even in movies like this there are still ways to see God at work. Due to my C.S. Lewis class I have seen just as my favorite author once did, that even amongst ancient pagan myths or other non-Christian stories there can still be elements of Christianity.

I think the realities of The Perks of Being a Wallflower expose a world without Christ. In many ways that was what I took away from it spiritually. It is a picture of the brokenness and hurt that comes from this world. Charlie is keeping secrets of past abuse, of depression, of horrible problems which are holding him back. His friends are also keeping their own secrets which in many ways only serve to hurt them more.

This last week in chapel we had a speaker named Anne Jackson come and talk to us about the things we can't talk about in church. She spoke of the need to keep secrets in our lives because of how afraid we are of being judged, and rejected. She spoke of how these secrets will chip away at us over time. Our speaker told her own story of a sexual addiction she harbored for most of her life through guilt and shame until a friend finally confessed to going through the same thing and she had a chance to begin healing.

And in many ways that theme of secrets is a reality in life. In all different spectrums, Christian, and non-Christian, it is difficult to be open even with our closest friends. We all harbor some secret we never want people to know.

My C.S. Lewis class I think has touched on this issue in some ways too. I just finished reading The Screwtape Letters a collection of letters from a senior devil to a younger less experienced one. In it there is a clear picture of spiritual warfare.



To me this idea of spiritual warfare is probably the basis of the need to keep secrets. I believe Satan has made it so we no longer believe we can be open. He whispers softly that no one must ever know, because if they did they would hate us, or think less of us. He tells us to merely hold onto that burden which we should be easily surrendering to God and to the help of others. And if somehow we beat that fear of speaking out often he may move in others to do as we fear: to judge us, to reject us, to not support us in the way we need.  And when they do we are hurt even worse.

From the beginning of time we were taught to keep secrets, to not just openly confess the ways we had sinned, or the ways we had been hurt. When Adam and Eve eat from the tree instead of telling God (who already knows) what has happened, they hide. They lie to him. They try to keep it all a secret.

To me The Perks of Being a Wallflower was about these things. It was about the brokenness of the world we live in, where people turn to drugs, sex, alcohol and other worldly things to release their pain. Where people harbor secrets instead of sharing them to have them healed. Where those around us judge us instead of simply accepting our past or our faults. Where sometimes all that can be experienced is pain and dissatisfaction.

In many ways Charlie and I shared similarities. We are both introverts. We both know what it is like to be rejected, hurt, and lonely. We both have faced the realities of not fitting in, of losing ourselves in literature, writing, or music instead of facing the realities of life. My freshman year was a little like Charlie's at the beginning. I ate lunch alone. I noticed my inability to fit in. I felt different from everyone, and connected only with my teachers instead of my fears. Unlike Charlie, I was not pulled out of those hurts and pains by two equally broken seniors. Instead I was pulled out by God.



I will admit I do not suffer as Charlie has in all respects. I know nothing of the true brokenness of this shy young hero. But there are elements I know and understand, and in many ways I wonder what life might have been like for Charlie had he found God instead of worldly pleasures, and problematic friendships. Perhaps it is naive to think that things might have been better, but that hope that lies deep within me likes to think that Charlie might have been helped more by God.

God knows our secrets. He knows the ways we have messed up, and the ways others have injured us. He is aware of how broken and dirty we are, and still he doesn't care. We are still so like Adam and Eve. We don't only try to hide secrets from those around us, but also try to hide from God. And that does nothing for us. God is not coming after us in the garden with anger and judgement in his voice. He speaks softly, trying to ask us to come to him even in the wrongs we have done. God knows, he accepts, and he easily forgives. After all...he sent Jesus to us for a reason. Perhaps that's what we need to realize when we try to hide. Jesus died so that all our sins could be laid out on the table, and so that the wouldn't matter one bit to God.

God is calling. Surrender. Let him heal the pain and brokenness inside, and set you free. 

Answers to Prayer

There's a verse in Ephesians that mentions how when we pray to God he gives us more than we can ask for...more than we can even imagine.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20.

I don't think I've ever experienced this more than what happened yesterday.

I have always had struggles with friendships. I fought with students in elementary school a lot, even getting sent to the counselor once for a disagreement with a boy in my class. I had various difficulties with some of the girls in my class treating me badly because I was different...because they simply wanted to be cruel. By sixth grade I started feeling very isolated. I even started pushing away the friends I already had, because I was scared of getting hurt.

In junior high things became even worse. My elementary school friends had moved on and formed new friendship groups. I was stuck with a new group as well, but one I really didn't fit into very well. I was teasingly referred to as "the nerd", and though I laughed with everyone else the realities that I didn't fit in and that I wasn't loved for my personality were hard for me to understand.

Ninth grade was particularly painful. My "friends" had begun ignoring me. They would get up from the table in the middle of lunch and leave to go outside without saying a word to me. People stopped talking to me altogether. The only reason I got through it is because I have a supportive family and I was a part of a once a week Bible study that kept my spirits up through prayer and support.

Even so isolation and loneliness pushed me into a depression. By January I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts wondering if anyone would miss me if I left, or if anybody really cared. There were days I would sit in my bedroom listening to Christian music as a I cried. Some of those days I'd pray to God to kill me, because I didn't want to live anymore. Other days I would think through the different forms of suicide, though I knew I could never do any because pain and death terrify me. Still, those years were hard.

God strengthened my relationship with him over those years. He did that and he also did eventually provide a few new friends to help me.

High school was a much happier experience. I gained friends quickly and grew in self confidence. And then I hit college.

In college all my closest friendships were ripped away from me. I had friends fly off to other countries, others moving miles upon miles further away from Idaho.

While I have made friendships in college, most are not as strong (of course) as those I built with people over three or four years. I love my college friends, but often I cannot open up to them the way I used to be able to with my group of friends, and more than anything with my Bible study.

As I have said in other blog posts, this last year has been a hard one. I have struggled with allowing friends from high school to distance themselves, some to a point where we hardly communicate anymore. And at the same time I've been trying to find the love and support I need amongst those I am still getting to know.

This stressful school year has already found me spending many evenings lamenting my problems to God in the prayer chapel. In those times I have often asked him to send me a person I can talk to when I need to. I have asked God ceaselessly for love and support from some group of some sort. My loss of my Bible study may have in part been some of my spiritual decline. Having that group meant a lot to me. They were one of the things I had even when I was all alone at school.

And now God has answered my prayers in greater abundance than I could have imagined.

There was recently a club formed on campus called Abide. I had no idea what it really was, and only had seen posters around. I ignored it for the most part. That is until my ex-roommate and current roommate mentioned it in a conversation. Out of curiosity I asked what it was about, and they explained it was a support group for girls who were struggling. They could go there to get questions answered, to get support, to be loved and mentored. I told them maybe I'd try it next Thursday.

And then Thursday rolled around.  I was incredibly busy with homework, but for some reason I felt like God was telling me to go and just spend the night finishing up on the pieces I hadn't yet completed.

I'm so glad God told me to go.

The group had about twenty to thirty girls in it. They began the evening with worship time singing along to some songs, and then moved on to some speaking. The two club leaders and their supervisor all shared their personal stories. They were incredibly vulnerable and open about their lives and the things they are struggling with. I was touched by their willingness to be so honest with a group of strangers.

The group is very well set up. There is an application explaining why you want to be involved and what areas in particular you need help with. I am excited by the fact that some of the things I have been struggling with the most are on the list of possible small groups to join. I know God is going to do great things with this and give me the help, healing, support, love and prayer I have needed for the last year.

So to me this just shows how good God is. I asked for someone I could talk to freely so I could have support in my life. I asked for him to help with curing loneliness, pain and problems. And now God has not just provided a person...he's provided several. I am going forward with hope in the goodness of my Father, in that even in my simple request he can turn it into something amazing.  Thank you God.

Psalms under Stress

This week has been crazy stressful. There has been so much to do, and so many other things going on in my life. I'm trying to sort out so much and get all my schoolwork done. Tonight I just have a lot going on. I feel distracted, tired, and spiritually low. So in an effort to restore my spirits I looked up a Psalm to make me feel better.

This year my home church did a whole series on 1 Samuel. I enjoyed the lessons, learning of David and all his trials. I have to say that my small complaints are puny in comparison to the things David had to overcome. Even so I appreciate this prayer of helplessness from David while I feel in a similar (but obviously less concerning) situation.

So below is the psalm number I randomly picked out. And below that is my own psalm I'm writing to try to calm myself and focus on my schoolwork. I encourage any of you feeling stressed to try the same technique. It's  helpful. Read the words of those who came before you and survived their trials, and then pour out your soul to God in the same manner.

Psalm 57

For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When he had fled from Saul into the cave.

¹ Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me,
    for in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings
    until the disaster has passed.

² I cry out to God Most High,
    to God, who vindicates me.
³ He sends from heaven and saves me,
    rebuking those who hotly pursue me—
    God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.

⁴ I am in the midst of lions;
    I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
    whose tongues are sharp swords.

⁵ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

⁶ They spread a net for my feet—
    I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
    but they have fallen into it themselves.

⁷ My heart, O God, is steadfast,
    my heart is steadfast;
    I will sing and make music.
⁸ Awake, my soul!
    Awake, harp and lyre!
    I will awaken the dawn.

⁹ I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
    I will sing of you among the peoples.
¹⁰ For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

¹¹ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

 


Psalm of Emily while in the midst of schoolwork and struggles
Oh God you are great
I need your greatness with me now
I am helpless Lord
Though I think I am fully capable
Every time I try to walk I stumble.
I need your hand to guide me
I need your words to be mine
I need your wisdom to make me wise.
Oh God! You are mighty and powerful
You created the mornings, and the night
You spoke and the world responded
With your mightiness you have moved mountains
And with it I know you can move me.
Make me passionate for the things around me
Destroy the sin which imprisons me
And help me to rise above that which holds me back.
Create healthy friendships God
Ones that will encourage me, make me stronger
Give me friends who are full of your spirit 
Who can fill me also
Strike down those who oppress me
Fill them with awe of your holiness
And turn their hearts to you.
Let me find forgiveness for those who have hurt me
And daily proclaim your name in spite of pain.
God you are magnificent
The angels and saints cry out your name
Allow me to do so also.
Let me be a light in the darkness
A smaller version of your brilliant sun.
God I love you, and proclaim you
As guide of my life! 

Loyalty...and Harry Potter

This is one of those random early morning posts that is not going to be very well written. I have to finish up an article and start research for an essay, and yet I still am taking the time to write a small post for my readers.

So today I'm going to talk about Harry Potter. I could probably spend the better part of the night discussing Harry Potter and its relevance to Christianity, but I do not have time for that. Instead I merely want to focus on something that God is teaching me.

So intent upon wasting even more time I should be studying, I took my friends' advice and joined Pottermore. For those of you who have no idea what it is, I can tell you it's a magical online world that J.K. Rowling created where one can walk through the Harry Potter books and not only experience elements for themselves (choosing an owl, finding a wand), but also read passages that were never published. As a writer I of course have found it fascinating to see all the work that went into Rowling's writing. I also am enough of a Harry Potter nerd that I found getting to experience the wizarding world for myself quite exciting. That is until I got sorted.

About a week ago my friends were talking about Pottermore, that was when I first decided to join. Upon saying I might try it they immediately had to guess what house I would be put in. I proudly told them that I had taken a test on a Harry Potter computer game of some kind when I was a child. I had easily been sorted into Ravenclaw.

My friends completely ignored that (because Pottermore is J.K. Rowling's test and therefore has more weight). They declared they saw me as Hufflepuff. I was so utterly disgusted that I exclaimed quite loudly "not Hufflepuff! Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or even Slytherin, but don't make me a stupid Hufflepuff!"

My reasoning behind this is simple. Who are the major characters in the Harry Potter books? Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville. All of them are Gryffindors. Then you have antagonists in the book such as Snape, Malfoy, and of course He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. They are all Slytherins. If you look for another major character of slightly lesser value because she is not added until much later in the series you get Luna Lovegood, a brilliant (but perhaps a bit strange) Ravenclaw.

The only house that does not have a worthy and admirable (or notably evil) character is Hufflepuff. The best the house can get is Cedric Diggory, who dies in the same book he is introduced in. Don't even bother mentioning minor names like Hanna Abbot, or Ernie Macmillan. They are not noteworthy as people are unlikely to even remember their names let alone any thing else (unless you're a Harry Potter nerd like me).

Needless to say I entered Pottermore to prove my friends wrong. I was excited as I went through the questions. I wouldn't say I "lied", but I did try to go for perhaps slightly less Hufflepuff answers. As I got to the end of the quiz the result popped up.

To my dismay, it was surrounded by yellow and black. The symbol of a badger was all too clear. Hufflepuff.

I was so distressed that I literally achieved tears. Yes, it was that big of a deal to me. I had gone through my whole life believing myself a Ravenclaw and had found my identity was incorrect...

Now, for those of you laughing I am not actually that pathetic of a nerd to cry merely because I am disappointed by my house. There were legitimate reasons behind my ridiculous emotional outburst.

I believe in many ways it is connected with my deep longing for identity which has very much defined my world this last year. In many ways as parts of myself have changed I have struggled to figure out what I am. My grades slipped last fall. I no longer play violin for orchestra. I have all but abandoned writing.

As these things have come to pass I know that I sometimes have struggled to figure out who I am. Last year all I could see beneath those external things was what people said about me. They told me that I was a nice person. And for some reason I was not satisfied with that. Last year I wanted to be more. This is perhaps another thing that fed into my struggle with faith.

The thing about Hufflepuff is that as I already explained it doesn't really seem special on the outside. Gryffindors are brave and have adventures. Slytherins turn into evil dark lords (or at least snarky potions professors). Ravenclaws are brilliant sidekicks. And that leaves Hufflepuff with Mr. Cedric Diggory...a nice boy who died young.

As you can see there are some major problems for a girl struggling with identity issues in being placed in the "nice" house. It wasn't enough. It didn't satisfy me. And it hurt that my friends only saw me as a Hufflepuff. They didn't see a boldness for exploring the unknown, or an intelligent mind. They just saw...a Hufflepuff.

It has taken a couple of days to get over this. Part of it was coming to terms with my inner Hufflepuff.

I've been struggling with some random friendship issues this last year. It's nothing major, but it simply has been troubling and confusing and has not made things in my life any easier.

After much contemplation and frustration over the situation (oh dear what a rhyme), I finally contacted a friend to talk about it and get her advice. We went for a lovely walk, and just spent time talking over what was going on.

She took the time to help me work through my problem, but she also explained to me part of what was going on. My loyalty...my Hufflepuff loyalty...was getting in the way. She simply explained to me that I was so loyal to my friends that I could not even figure out how to work through a problem.


In many ways it was very helpful to me. I have better figured out how to handle the situation. Alongside that I have determined something about myself. I was for some reason utterly delighted by the trait of loyalty. In many ways I hadn't really noticed it in myself. It is true though. When I make friends with someone I respect them, I trust them, and I don't want anyone or anything to hurt them. I desire our friendship to be strengthened and for bonds to be tied between us. I think the thing I fight for the most in my daily life is to be the best friend that I can, to love others in the best way possible.





I think Hermione does a great job of demonstrating exactly what I think is the key to understanding the Hogwarts houses. While achievements and smarts are great, they are not what is most important.

“Harry - you're a great wizard, you know."
"I'm not as good as you," said Harry, very embarrassed, as she let go of him.
"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery and - oh Harry - be careful!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

I think in many ways Hufflepuffs have it right. The other houses are more focused on test scores, Quidditch, or social status that they forget the  most important things of all: love, loyalty, truth, kindness. In many ways I think Hufflepuffs are just what each of the other houses should be underneath all their other traits. In fact, according to Pottermore Hufflepuff is the house to produce the least dark wizards. And it makes sense. Hufflepuffs are more concerned about friendships or love to be focused on trying to rule the world. They have the basics down. And I think in many ways that is what I am learning as I battle with my identity.

Being a "nice person" (or rather being a follower of Jesus Christ) is the basic roots of my identity. Whatever I add whether it is athletics (bravery), tough classes (intelligence), or leadership opportunities (ambition) is all just toppings on the ice cream Sunday. They're great, but they aren't necessary. Being a good person is necessary (at least in my book).

And with that I have taken hold of my Hufflepuff identity with pride (I always did like the color yellow anyhow)....and in the meantime just imagine that I was meant to go in Ravenclaw but asked the Sorting Hat to change its mind.

"You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil"

—The Sorting Hat

Praise God

Today's post is simply on the goodness of God. After a fairly lousy day God has finally shown up.

Today started at 2:15 in the morning. Yes, I am crazy, and I am aware of that fact. I had a meeting yesterday, and then worship class from 9:15 until 11, so I was very busy in the evening. That left homework for after worship. I had seven poems to analyze, sixty pages of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity (which I shall devote a blog post to one of these days), and a thirty page article to read. That said a little procrastination with my roommates resulted in a late night.

So I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm tired.

Volleyball started my morning off. My wrists are really sore right now. It's not a joint thing. It's bruising where the ball hits when I bump. I am not really sure what to do about it. Anyhow, the pain put a bit of a down on my morning since I couldn't play as hard as I wanted to.

My C.S. Lewis class was decent. I felt fairly confident on the quiz. But then the teacher decided to read some of the things he'd liked on our previous quizzes (we wrote about our favorite chapter in Mere Christianity to show we'd read). He got to mine and started reading, but had to stop and not continue because he couldn't read my handwriting. I was rather frustrated. With a quiz I'm trying to write as fast as possible to get as much on the page as I can, but that does nothing good for my handwriting, which is terrible to begin with.

My lunch was eaten alone (yay for a schedule completely different from my friends'!) Anyhow, a girl did come sit with me at one point, but she didn't say anything so it was just kind of awkward. I was also super hungry and there didn't seem to be a lot of healthy options that sounded really good. I mean...pizza's just not a possibility every lunch. So, I left with a pear in hand hoping that would satisfy me.

My last class of the day was just a basic literature class. It was pretty good. I actually managed to answer a question correctly, so I didn't get -10,000,000 points (that was what he wrote on the board last time I got a question wrong from him, it was pretty embarrassing).

So, the day was just kind of so so. It didn't help that I got stuck listening to some pretty negative conversations between some friends. I have to say it just kind of put me even more down in the dumps. And then I had laundry to do, as well as homework. I attempted to take a nap this afternoon, but it didn't work. So, I will be attempting to go to bed early later.

Alright, what really excited me was what God did this evening.

I went and barricaded myself in the library to avoid distractions. I have a column pitch due tomorrow for my writing class. I started out this evening with absolutely no concept of what to write about. And then God sent me something through my searches.

I was browsing a website which lists different magazines that accept freelance writers. I was having no luck finding any magazine I thought I could write for, so I was getting ready to just pick one and try my best with a subject I wasn't truly comfortable with. That was when I clicked on the religion section. Up popped several different magazines, but the one that caught my eye was one dedicated to people living with chronic illnesses who hold faith in Jesus Christ.

Needless to say I got my column idea. I will be writing about what I started this blog about- my life as a person with a chronic illness trying to stay true in her faith.

I know that only God could send something so remarkably perfect for me to write about. I am praising him loudly (in my head, because I'm in the library right now)! God is so good. Now, I have a chance to finish up my homework and get to bed at a decent hour.

Thanks God.

Community

I have to say I think I am going to try to make this blog a part of my life again. I believe first off that it is a very tangible way to examine God's work in my life. I also believe that it will be good practice for my future as a writer. My writing professor has shared with me that blog posts can sometimes make good features to try to send in for publishing. Of course, they would need a little work first. Even so I believe my blog is both good practice in my faith, and in my life as a writer.



Today I am writing to discuss a very complex issue of Christianity: the church. In my Christian Foundations class we recently had a discussion online. That discussion centered around Acts 2. My professor asked us to debate whether the founders of the Christian church (Peter and the other disciples) would be pleased with our modern church. Needless to say there were quite a wide variety of response. My own was a mixed one. You may read it:


To think of how the founders of the Christian church would view our modern version of it is an utterly fascinating idea. Ancient times were drastically different than ours in many aspects, but has the church somehow managed to avoid the changes of time? It's hard to say, considering there are hundreds of Christian denominations, and branches even within those basic sects. The variety of traditions and expressions of faith within this single religion is astounding. I grew up in a nondenominational (may have other roots but I am unaware of them) church. I went to church every Sunday in jeans and a t-shirt and sat on chairs in a school gym, singing along to worship songs strummed out on guitars, and listening to a pastor dressed in slacks and a button up shirt. This is the church I know and love and have grown up in. My grandmother on the other hand is a very strict Lutheran. She goes to church in her nicest clothes, sits on the pews, holds up the hymn books to sing along with the organ, and listens to a pastor who is wearing traditional robes. We don't always get along about these traditions either. I have always found it amazing that the same faith can seem so different.

So if my own grandmother is put off by my more modern traditions...how would the disciples feel? Well, in many ways I feel they'd be disappointed. They'd be disappointed that Christians are separated from one another based on minor differences in how to do worship or on how to take communion. They'd be disappointed that two Christians can get in an argument over whether you should be baptized when you're a baby, or baptized when you accept Christ. I think that if we examine Acts 2 we see that the ancient Christians believed in five basic things which we should carry on in our services today. I do not believe that other minor details are important. Those five elements are:

1. Acts 2:42a "They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching". The disciples believed in listening to the teaching of the gospel. This was what early Christians took time doing: learning about Jesus. Alongside that Peter quotes Joel and the Psalms. It is important to learn both Old and New Testament.The fact that most modern churches have a standard Sunday sermon demonstrates that this key part of being a Christian is still in place.

2. Acts 2:42b "and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread". The disciples found fellowship important. It was important not only to gather to learn, but to gather to love, just as Jesus commanded in telling them to love one another. This also is still a key part of the modern church.

3. Acts 2:42c "and to prayer". I do not believe I have ever visited a church that does not believe in praying. This element of Christianity is still at work today.

4. Acts 2:45 "They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need." The church is a key part in helping the poor. Many churches in today's society still help the poor either through missionaries in poor countries, or a food cupboard for the homeless or any other service project. This still seems to be a fairly standard idea. I believe this is one area the disciples might push more, and encourage more Christians to sacrifice money, or time to help those around them.

5. Acts 2:47 " praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people". This is worship. Praising God no matter in what form is an act of worship. If my history is not wrong I believe early Christians often read or sang the psalms as their worship. Whether listening to organs or guitars this is still a part of today's churches as well.

This is simply my interpretation of course, and I would love it if you would give me yours (nicely of course), but I believe overall the Christians of the 1st century would be delighted that God's work is still carrying on in today's society, though perhaps be disappointed that we can't get along over minor details.
So whether you go to this:

Or this:

Just consider the things that the Christians in Acts 2 found were important, and maybe you'll be able to love other Christians just a little bit better. 

So, that's my discussion. Others were more harsh stating that there would be a good deal of disappointment over the way some churches spend money on huge buildings, fancy worship equipment, and large salaries for pastors. One boy went so far as to say that worship was all a show now a days, trying to make it seem like a rock concert. And in many ways he is right. Being a part of a worship team myself, I have seen how easy it is for musicians to get caught up in making the music sound great.

The thing is many churches are forgetting the more important aspects of faith. They're so wrapped up in making Sunday worship sound amazing that they forget to put more effort in building a community. Individual Christians can also be this way. They put silly things like worship first over finding a great church community. I admit I have been picky about the way my worship is done before too. I used to hate my home churches youth worship because the music was "too modern" and people would clap afterwards in a way I thought was making it seem like a rock concert. The thing is we can get so caught up in critiquing worship, or critiquing the pastor's speaking skills, or critiquing the way the church looks that we forget that the church was set up for more than that. It was set up to be a community. A community of believers.

I am not usually not too picky about what denomination of church I try. As long as their theological doctrine seems sound I am fairly happy. I have not always been this way. As I said earlier I have been known to be picky. But lately I'm beginning to realize that whether worship is hymns or modern rock songs its all the same to God. I guess He's beginning to work on my heart and push these petty values aside. I've figured out that sometimes I like visiting my grandmother's church, because saying prayers together with other Christians in one voice is meaningful. I like going to my other grandparent's church because I enjoy listening to worship without any background instruments. I love being at my home church I grew up in because I love being in such a big group of people worshiping altogether. I like trying new things. I like seeing how each different Christian can worship, and how it can be equally meaningful to God.



Even so I've settled down this year at a Friends (Quaker) church. I like it pretty well, although there are things that I find myself disliking just like in my grandparents churches or other ones I've tried, or even my home church. I have to admit that I miss communion while I'm at school, but by this point I'm starting to realize just how much I like about this church, in spite of its differences.

Every time I go someone greets me and asks me if I'm from George Fox and then proceeds to strike up a friendly conversation. Today a lady at church even gave my friend and I some hand painted greeting cards. I was amazed by her thoughtfulness. Furthermore, I am enjoying seeing the churches tradition of speaking from the soul. Every Sunday after the lesson the pastor gives a time to just pray silently and speak if you are led. I am amazed by people's courage to stand up and share with the whole church, and love seeing what's going on in their personal journey's of faith.

And today I found another thing I love. The church made sure to have a day where worship wasn't a "concert" as some people would call it. Instead of planning worship, the leader let people in the church pick songs out of the hymnal. I loved singing with everyone to songs that the worship leaders only put minor accompaniment to. The old church (the pastor said it was built before his grandparents were born), has a beautiful acoustic quality that I had never noticed before. But today I heard each and every voice raised throughout the church, echoing sweetly as we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness, one of my favorite old hymns. It was a joyous occasion, and to me just helped define all the more our talk in Christian Foundations.



So I guess that's what I've been learning lately...that while I believe a church should be sound in their theology, the rest that matters should just be forming a great community of strong Christians. I suppose I wanted to share my happiness over finding a church that meets those requirements, even if I don't agree with (or like) every single thing about it.

Back to the Blog

Hello any loyal readers who have held out through the months with no posts. I apologize to you for making you wait so long. I am writing tonight merely because it is the last night I can write with my blog under this title: A Teen's Daily Journey. Because at midnight it will be my birthday and I will turn 20, leaving my teens behind. I still intend to continue the blog, merely updating the title to fit the writer.

I can't say that the title of this entry is entirely accurate. At the moment I'm hoping to start back up again, but it's hard to say how long things will last once I get wrapped up in homework and the general business of my life.

All I can say is that this summer held several inspirational moments, but unfortunately I forgot to write them all down. I was busy working as a nanny, traveling to Mexico and spending time with my family. Now that I'm out of all that crazy stuff I'm attempting to start again.

To begin with this blog slowly went downhill after I started it. There is a reason behind that and I would like to share it. Writing a blog about a Life in Christ, when you're not really living one is challenging. Yes, you heard me right. Last semester was not my most Christian experience.

I would say that this has been a year of great trials, great falls, and great discoveries. I will reassure anyone who is concerned by explaining that I have not left the Christian faith, nor do I intend to do so. I would describe my experience as sort of a dip in my faith. I started at a high point at the beginning of the year before dipping slowly throughout the semester and now I am finally back. It was merely a point in life where life seemed easy enough that I decided I didn't really want to follow God. I guess I felt like I didn't need him, so I pushed him away. I stopped attending chapels around February. I only started going again because I needed credits to avoid being fined. Throughout the summer there were a few church services where I just didn't want to be there. I felt strangely alienated. It was hard for me to worship.

There are a variety of sources to my strange little dip in faith, but to list all of them would take forever, so I will list merely a few.

One was merely a selfish focus, as I already said. I started writing a book and completely pushed God away from it. The book had sexual promiscuity, murder, stealing, prostitution, and several other sins without any obvious reference that these things were wrong. The book was finished and I had to say it is one of my best works, which is disappointing considering the contents. Part of me tried justifying it. Other parts of me tried to simply insist that if this book made me money it didn't matter what it said. But to God it did matter, and God is not a person to leave you alone when you're doing something wrong. Instead he nudges at your heart. Speaks to you softly. He bugs you every few days, telling you that what you're doing is wrong. And I knew that. It was part of the reason that I didn't want to be in church or chapel. I knew that what I had done was wrong, and I had no true justification. I felt exposed in church. I felt fake. I had promised God once that I would use my writing talents to glorify him, and I had fallen for lies that the world has spouted.

Not all is lost. I have revised sections of the book. It was quite a powerful moment in my life when I struggled and struggled to find an ending the satisfied me...an ending that healed this broken character and the only answer I could find was Christ. I did it. I surrendered both myself and my character to God in a moment of repentance. He has not yet said whether my work can be restored to work in the way He wants, but I still have hopes that His light can touch the darkness.

Another cause of my rift may be the Christians around me. I met several amazing people this year, but I also met Christians who did not really show me the true qualities of Christ. In my Bible Study I always felt most of the people around me were real, true to their faith. In my new surrounding I was suddenly faced with Christians who weren't. For some reason I think this pushed me away a bit. It wasn't so much that there were people at the school who weren't Christian. I knew they would be there. It was the lukewarm Christians that really rocked my faith. That combined with my own selfishness, and other things caused me to pull away bit by bit. Various theological questions raised also put my faith to the test. I will not specify, but there are still things my mind is trying to process in order for my relationship with God to truly come back to where it was last year.

I would not change things. I wouldn't. I think dips like these are important in a journey of faith, because after them the relationship is strengthened. My life has had two stages of faith: faith because it was expected, and faith because it was wanted. In my childhood I followed God because my parents did. In my conversion I suddenly became thirsty for Him and started on my own path. Now I have experienced a small picture of what it is like to live without God. I can now say from experience that I don't want to do it. I need God. Whether I like it or not, I do. I need him when I'm lonely, when I'm hurting, when I'm afraid, when I'm confused, when I'm lost, when I'm depressed, when I'm stressed out, when I'm struggling... and the journey through all that without God was rocky. I should have known there was a problem when my atheist friend told me to go pray (which I thank her for by the way), because she could do nothing for me, but she knew that at least my faith in God could. In this year I discovered that without God my identity is completely unstable. I almost gave up writing this summer over silly reasons. I was considering getting rid of my English major. This year I may quit orchestra. Suddenly all the things that seemed certain are not. With God I can always cling to my identity as His child. Without Him there, I am standing on shifting sands.

I hope that my confession of my lack of faith is pleasing to Him. I can tell you that my final moment of repentance came at a church service when they played How Great is our God- the song my mother and I have always treasured as ours. It reminded me of our other song Great is Thy Faithfulness which my mother heard after finding out she was pregnant with me. I was reminded by God that day that I am not only blessed by him with multiple talents which should go to his use, but by life as well. I am a miracle. 20 years ago on this very day God blessed my mother with my birth. I almost didn't happen, but God allowed me to be born. I was reminded as I stood in that church that I would not even exist without God, let alone be where I am. For that I turn back to him in thanks, and repentance, hoping to renew my journey in Him.

Lord I pray for a good year full of new experiences and friends. Guide me in your spirit. I need you, and I admit it. Thank you, Lord.