Fall Back Down Again

 Fall Down by Superchick
I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try

Not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again

And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 20th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
And here I told you so
Don't want to rock the boat
But I just had to know..
Just a greener side,
Or can I touch the sky?
But either way, I will have tried

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again

And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 30th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb

Not afraid to fall
I know I'll fall again
But I can win this in the end

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again

And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 40th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again 


Do you ever have those weeks when everything seems to go terribly? Well, my last week has been one of those tough ones that I would rather forget.

It started out (as you may have seen in my last post) with finding out I didn't get a job I had applied for. I had a feeling I wouldn't get it, but it was still frustrating to receive the news. Searching for jobs has been a trial for me. I am not naturally extroverted and sometimes it is frustrating to try to be extroverted and still not be recognized for it.

Then, after a long exhausting week of little sleep, I found out the worst news. I didn't get onto the mission team going to China over the summer. Once again, I had not had the greatest feelings after my interview (it began with the question "describe yourself" causing me to suddenly lose all ideas of what characterizes me). However, I had still held hopes that maybe I would get in.



Unfortunately I didn't.

This is my second year of rejection. I didn't get onto the Romania mission trip last year either.

After receiving the news about China I went and prayed and cried for a while. I felt so confused and conflicted. In many ways I was very negative towards myself, wondering why I have to be so naturally introverted (to those who say I can change I would agree but say it is far more difficult that it sounds). I just felt frustrated that God made me this way. I just lost myself in a lot of depressing thoughts, bashing myself for the most part, and sometimes crying out to God to ask why.

Don't worry, I pulled myself out of it after thirty minutes. I insisted I couldn't continue on with that behavior. I had had my pity party and needed to move on. Amazingly I actually managed to stop crying, wipe up my makeup that had smeared all over my face, and march back to my dorm. I intended to watch Forrest Gump (thank you wonderful library on campus) in solitude but got invited to go watch Harry Potter and Brave instead and went to go enjoy that. God gave me a nice turn around in spite of the awful half-hour in the prayer chapel. Normally I wouldn't go anywhere near other people after dealing with that much pain.



I also had a hard time convincing myself to do homework over the weekend. I still felt somewhat down after the disappointment about the mission trip. I kind of convinced myself to laze around and do nothing...which then resulted in feeling guilty later. Ug, such an emotional roller coaster. 

Anyhow, thus far the two major disappointments of the week alongside lots of homework and stress. And then there's also just been some pain in friendships and frustrations for me in figuring out how to deal with them. I just want some people to talk to, but every time I feel like I'm getting close to the point of being able to just open up and talk for a while that route just doesn't work out.

So life hasn't been easy. I just feel like I keep getting knocked down whenever I stand up. Part of me is nervous about applying for future jobs, and even applying to study abroad next year. I just don't know how much more disappointment I can really handle.

However, next week is Thanksgiving, and I am excited for that. I have confidence that God will use this weekend with my family as a time to recover and rest. I still ask for prayers for safe travels and for God to speak confidence back into my life so that I can stand back up.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water. That sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17: 7-8.