Fall Back Down Again

 Fall Down by Superchick
I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try

Not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again

And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 20th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
And here I told you so
Don't want to rock the boat
But I just had to know..
Just a greener side,
Or can I touch the sky?
But either way, I will have tried

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again

And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 30th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb

Not afraid to fall
I know I'll fall again
But I can win this in the end

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again

And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 40th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
But we get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again 


Do you ever have those weeks when everything seems to go terribly? Well, my last week has been one of those tough ones that I would rather forget.

It started out (as you may have seen in my last post) with finding out I didn't get a job I had applied for. I had a feeling I wouldn't get it, but it was still frustrating to receive the news. Searching for jobs has been a trial for me. I am not naturally extroverted and sometimes it is frustrating to try to be extroverted and still not be recognized for it.

Then, after a long exhausting week of little sleep, I found out the worst news. I didn't get onto the mission team going to China over the summer. Once again, I had not had the greatest feelings after my interview (it began with the question "describe yourself" causing me to suddenly lose all ideas of what characterizes me). However, I had still held hopes that maybe I would get in.



Unfortunately I didn't.

This is my second year of rejection. I didn't get onto the Romania mission trip last year either.

After receiving the news about China I went and prayed and cried for a while. I felt so confused and conflicted. In many ways I was very negative towards myself, wondering why I have to be so naturally introverted (to those who say I can change I would agree but say it is far more difficult that it sounds). I just felt frustrated that God made me this way. I just lost myself in a lot of depressing thoughts, bashing myself for the most part, and sometimes crying out to God to ask why.

Don't worry, I pulled myself out of it after thirty minutes. I insisted I couldn't continue on with that behavior. I had had my pity party and needed to move on. Amazingly I actually managed to stop crying, wipe up my makeup that had smeared all over my face, and march back to my dorm. I intended to watch Forrest Gump (thank you wonderful library on campus) in solitude but got invited to go watch Harry Potter and Brave instead and went to go enjoy that. God gave me a nice turn around in spite of the awful half-hour in the prayer chapel. Normally I wouldn't go anywhere near other people after dealing with that much pain.



I also had a hard time convincing myself to do homework over the weekend. I still felt somewhat down after the disappointment about the mission trip. I kind of convinced myself to laze around and do nothing...which then resulted in feeling guilty later. Ug, such an emotional roller coaster. 

Anyhow, thus far the two major disappointments of the week alongside lots of homework and stress. And then there's also just been some pain in friendships and frustrations for me in figuring out how to deal with them. I just want some people to talk to, but every time I feel like I'm getting close to the point of being able to just open up and talk for a while that route just doesn't work out.

So life hasn't been easy. I just feel like I keep getting knocked down whenever I stand up. Part of me is nervous about applying for future jobs, and even applying to study abroad next year. I just don't know how much more disappointment I can really handle.

However, next week is Thanksgiving, and I am excited for that. I have confidence that God will use this weekend with my family as a time to recover and rest. I still ask for prayers for safe travels and for God to speak confidence back into my life so that I can stand back up.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water. That sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17: 7-8.

Simple Reminders

Today I had a job interview. I am fairly certain I did not get the job. As sad as that is I am surprisingly cheerful today. But I suppose that's just because God sent me a sweet little gift immediately after.

As I was walking back from the interview I took a short cut along the creek. As I may have mentioned before the "canyon" as George Fox students call it, is one of my favorite places to go to be alone. I feel so calm and at peace when I am surrounded by trees and listening to the beautiful melody of the creek. So going to the canyon was a good option after the disappointing interview.

Hess Creek/The Canyon

I was just trudging along the slightly muddy gravel paths, my feet tracing the familiar ground, when something appeared ahead of me. I paused and started, momentarily surprised by the sight of a large animal bounding towards me.

A sinewy deer was coming towards me at a rapid pace. I immediately froze as he came nearer, not wanting to startle him. He veered to my right and leapt into the safety of the trees and cover of the plants. I watched on as he slowed down, coming to a stop fifteen feet away from me. My eyes took in a soft brown hide, wide dark eyes, and a expression of overall wariness. Atop his head a single antler stood up, the other obviously lost somehow. In spite of the silliness of his single antler there was nothing funny about his beauty. I seemed to forget to breathe as I stood stock still, examining this majestic creation with awe.

Not the deer I saw, but just to give a picture!

Only a split second or two passed. The deer glanced at me, barely seeing, before bounding off into the trees, finally disappearing from my view.

Needless to say my entire day was turned around. I feel a sense of peace and comfort in spite of the possible failure of my interview. And that wasn't all. God planted a few words alongside the deer. As I walked back to my dorm I began to hum a familiar tune and think on those beautiful lyrics that were written thousands of years before my time.

Yes, I was thinking of a Psalm.

Psalm 42

For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.
That simple sighting of a deer in the small wilderness near my dorm reminded me of this beautiful psalm. It truly is beautiful.

So with that simple reminder God has set the rest of my day in place to be filled with a sense of peace and joy in spite of bad circumstances. I am thankful to Him for this gift, and hope this post extends my gratitude.

Thank you for a simple reminder of your love, God.

The God Who Sees Me

Today in chapel we had the pleasure of listening to one of our amazing Bible professors. While she happens to be one of my favorite speakers because of her Australian accent, her messages always seem to touch me as well. Today in particular she really touched my spirit.

College isn't easy. It's a time when you're ripped away from all that you once knew and loved and thrown into a completely new situation. These last few years have made me think on my identity, my beliefs, my values and so much more. Some days I feel unsure who I really am. I'll look into the mirror and wonder what exactly defines me. Is it clothes and makeup, two things I have never really loved but have seemed of greater importance to the girls around me this year? Is it my ability to write, something that no longer seems as strong as it did in high school? Is it my grades that have moved from a 4.1 to a 3.9? Or is it something greater than that?

I hated mirrors for the last year or so. I felt continually struck by my identity in those times I would look at the physical image of myself. I even considered covering up the one in my room. But God is slowly allowing me to build an identity, a set of values and beliefs, and a place I feel at home. All of those are to be found when I trust in Him.

Today in chapel we discussed the life of Hagar in Genesis 16. Hagar was a slave girl. She was nothing. Her life was absolutely awful. After being given to her master to sleep with and getting pregnant Sarah (the one who gave her to the master in the first place) begins abusing her. Such a life would be nothing short of horrid.

And yet as Hagar attempts to run away, unsure what to do, God comes to her offering to help her. She didn't even know of this God before. She had absolutely no clue who He was, and He still saw fit to help her.

Sarita (our speaker) ended with something that made me want to cry. She said something along the lines of: you are all struggling. Each of you has things you don't even talk to your friends about because you're struggling with them. And yet even in those things God sees you, and He sees your suffering, and He will answer you when you call to him.

Just feeling very aware of God's presence today in spite of my hardships, my struggles, and everything else. Yesterday's sermon at church ended with a similar reminder that no matter how much we sin, nothing can separate us from God's love. I'm just so glad to have a God who loves me so much that He is always by my side, always watching over me and loving me.  I have faith that He will help me to find security, happiness, and peace in figuring out who I am.

Have a great week, God bless.
Emily

 She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” Genesis 16: 13

God's Compassion and Our Response

I'm trying to be diligent in my study of the Bible lately. I've started a program where I keep track of how I'm doing with my time with God. I have a chart with five columns: pray, read, journal, goals, and pray. Basically I try to start every morning with prayer and reading the Bible. Then make goals for the day. Later I journal about those goals and then pray again about what has happened. So I'm currently working on trying to keep up with that. I kind of came up with an idea for a Bible study where I work back through one year of my life every day for twenty days. I reflect on what happened to me at that age (what problems I had, what good things happened). I try to learn from mistakes I made, heal past hurts (I have a tendency to hold onto the past), and live in joy from the things I've accomplished. I also pick a passage from the Bible that has some kind of relevance to what I'm thinking about. So today for November second I reflected on my two year old days.

Not actually me, just a representation of my journey as a child!

Since that is a pretty young age there is not much I can learn from, so at the moment I am simply focusing on what it is to be a child. Yesterday I talked about trusting in God rather than in ourselves with a study of Exodus and the Golden Calf. Babies are completely reliant on their parents, so they have to trust. I want to remember that as I go through my life, trying to be a baby to God in other words completely trusting him.

Today's study was on Luke 18 which I picked because it is about Jesus letting the little children come see him even when others were saying they shouldn't. I thought it was fitting for today, but at the same time I didn't realize how much more there is in Luke 18.

There are several parables within the section. The first is on a widow who pleads with a judge to help her until he finally gives in just to make her be quiet. The next is on a Pharisee and a tax collector who both pray to God. Then the story of the little children. A story of a rich ruler asking Jesus how to get into heaven. Jesus predicting his death. And finally a blind beggar receiving his sight.

Jesus and children

So much in one passage! I was slightly overwhelmed when I opened my Bible to study this! But in time I found a good way to sum up all that was learned in these sections into one thing.

Almost all of the stories have something to do with who God listens to, and who can come to God. The widow is used as an example of how if we pray persistently God will answer us because he is just and good. The Pharisee shows how God is pleased more by a humble request for help with sin than a proud boastful prayer about what we did right and how He accepts the humble first and foremost. The little children shows how God loves children, but more broadly those who have complete trust in him. The rich ruler shows how God wants his followers to be those who put him first. Jesus predicting his death just proves God's power to know his plans for us, and the blind beggar  shows how God is compassionate and loving to those who have faith in Him.

To me the message I took from these collection of stories was this: In my life I need to trust in God and His ultimate plan and goodness. I must have faith in Him and His compassion surrender in humility and give everything to him.

Have faith

So 2nd day I have learned how to be a child of God. I trust in Him as my father, knowing He always loves me even if I have made mistakes. He is the center of my life and that is what matters most, and therefore I should never let anything hold me back from Him.

Hoping this study program goes well! Pray for me please! I have important decisions regarding my study abroad, major, and other things coming up. I also have an interview for the China summer serve team and put in two job applications. So keep me in your prayers.