Missing You

Disclaimer: Readers must read to the very end to understand the author’s view of the subject. If you break off after the first few paragraphs you will not truly understand. I am not trying to be rude to anyone, but am simply expressing some important things I am learning.

A great idea that I have been struggling with throughout my last year in college is the idea of missing someone. This year of separation from old friends from high school has caused a variety of different responses amongst my friendship circle. Some have skyped, facebooked, emailed, written letters, and declared in every single one of those times “I miss you”. Others have seen me over breaks and genuinely declared “I miss you”, in spite of their lack of communication. Still others have declared either outright or through their actions: “I do not miss you”, which has caused a good deal of anger, hurt, and resentment within me…most of which I am realizing are not justified.

                                  

As I stated in an earlier blog post I am a very loyal person. I actually have been playing around with personality tests lately and discovered myself to be what an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging). While these tests do not have very much scientific basis they are interesting, and have amused my friends and I while we procrastinate. My personality profile declares me as a person who doesn’t make very many friends, but when I do I cling to them with all my heart.

So for me having friends who I have spent so much time with push me away has been hard. I have struggled with it to a point of wasting time simply stewing over it. My writing over the last year had two mentions of what it meant to “miss” someone.

Nikolai slowly approached her, taking her hands. “I know, but even if I go I’ll still miss you.”

“Miss me?” Cara said with a laugh. “Nikolai, the only time you miss me is when you need me.”

“That isn’t in the least bit true,” Nikolai said with a frown.

“Isn’t it?” Cara said, raising an eyebrow. “You are a cruel man, Nikolai. You have no heart. You don’t miss those who you leave behind, no matter how close they are to you. You don’t miss your family, you don’t miss your friends and you certainly don’t miss me.”

“I...Cara...I...”

She cut him off with a finger to his lips. “Don’t speak. I know the truth, and even though it hurts, the wound in my heart will eventually heal. Now, kiss me goodbye.”

He reluctantly did as she asked. But when he pulled away his face was grim. “It’s true I may not miss you. But you know how busy I am. And besides, I’ve come back to you, Cara. Isn’t that what’s most important? That I come back?”

She laughed softly. “Mmm...perhaps it is. But for the record never tell me you’ll miss me again....you don’t have to tell me that you don’t miss me...just don’t say anything about it at all.”

Nikolai smiled. “I love you, Cara. You’re such a dear friend. I’ll be back in a few years.”

As you can see the above post was written upon my idea that not missing someone was cruel and unreasonable, and if you don’t miss someone you don’t need to lie about it, but you also don’t need to outright tell them. My second section is also listed:

“Who were you talking to before I walked up?” I asked. “If that’s not inappropriate to ask, your majesty.”

“Please, call me Kerick, and...I’m afraid I’m told not to talk about it,” he said with a sigh. “But I was talking to someone special to me...a friend I lost long ago who I search for.”

“If you’re searching for him why do you talk to him?” I asked.

“It eases my pain,” Kerick murmured. “Haven’t you ever had someone you loved and missed when you were separated from them?”

I shook my head. He looked at me and suddenly took my hand. There was tenderness in his eyes.

“I pity you,” he said softly.

“What, why? I have a perfectly happy life,” I lied.

“Because you have no one to love. Everyone deserves that.”

I sighed. “I guess...I guess I have some people to love...but I don’t miss them that much when I’m around.” I thought of Ammon, even Lydia who not too long before I’d told myself I must love. Surely I was in love with her? Then why did I not miss her?

“If you don’t miss them then you surely cannot truly have love for them,” Kerick said softly. “It should hurt to be separated from them.”

“From what I know of life it’s best to avoid pain, why not avoid love then?”

“Because love is a good pain...because when you find that person again the joy is ten times more powerful than the pain was. It’s worth it.”

This second post also revolves around the idea that in order to truly feel love for someone you have to miss them. It was a central part of my character discovering who he loved the most, because it was the only person he truly missed.

HOWEVER, my views are slowly coming to change after reading from C.S. Lewis’s book Perelandra.

In chapter 5 the green lady is telling the protagonist, Ransom, of her husband, the King, who was swept away from her during a storm. She has only recently come across Ransom, and has shown great delight in his presence. Ransom questions her for being so delighted at finding him rather than the Man. She explains that both things are happy for her. She describes finding Ransom like eating a different kind of fruit. He may taste different, but he is still good and enjoyable. Ransom is slightly shocked by this.

“But are you happy without the King? Do you not want the King?”

“Want him?” she said. “How could there be anything I did not want?”

There was something in her replies that began to repel Ransom. “You can’t want him very much if you are happy without him,” he said: and was immediately surprised at the sulkiness of his own voice.

“Why?” asked the Lady. (189).

Normally I would say that the Lady is simply ignorant in the ways of love and that Lewis is trying to portray this negatively. However, I couldn’t say that after reading this. The Lady is ignorant of things such as Death, and Peace (which means she knows nothing of harm, war, or battle). Her ignorance of these are joyous. The Lady is a representation of Eve, of the way people were before sin and strife. So why then is her seemingly ignorant view of love acceptable?

Missing someone is pain. It is deep and powerful pain. Pain is not from above, though God can use it for his own purposes. So therefore the lady would know nothing of it, and therefore it must be something negative.

The love of the woman is more complete in not missing the man and accepting Ransom instead. She is showing a fully encompassing, unconditional love. She is showing the love of God. God doesn’t look at one person and love them more than another. He loves all equally. For us there are circles of acceptance around us. We have our family and very close friends in one circle, who we love deeply. Our acquaintances fall into the next circle and we appreciate and help them when we can, but not as much as we do that first circle. And of course our circles outside of that are all for strangers. Some may have different circles from there on out, for example being more hospitable and kind to a strange child as opposed to a drunken homeless man. But this invention of circles came after Adam and Eve.

Had God put more people in the garden they would have loved equally. Eve of course would reserve deep intimacy and sex for her husband, but other than that I believe her love for other men and women would be just as deep as that for Adam. Perfect love does not involve pain. There is no jealousy. There is no anger and resentment. And what I thought was perfect love was not at all.

I suppose the words “I miss you” have changed a bit for me. It’s a way of showing care, but I don’t think it the only way I show care or expect care. I suppose I need to learn to be more like the woman in Perelandra, not leveling my friendships. I should be delighted that I have friends here at George Fox, holding them at equal value to my friendships across the country. I believe I need to say my apologies to those I’ve wronged, and move on from whatever hurt feelings I still have. I think I need to learn to live without someone with happiness, and with rejoicing that we may in fact meet again, but separation is only temporary and therefore not to be mourned. 

I love how the French have phrased their ways of expressing missing someone. In French one says “Tu me manques” which means you are lacking in me. It takes the feeling off of oneself. It moves it onto the other person. I suppose for me I see it as a simple statement: "you don’t have me in your life, I don’t have you in my life, it’s hard to be separated, but hopefully we’ll see each other soon”. In many ways I like that better than our English statement. It’s less about hurt feelings, and more about relationships.

So to all my dear friends out there from high school, college, church, camps, or life in general I just wanted to let you know Vous me manquez- You are lacking in me, and I am lacking in you. If ever I can be a better friend let me know. I love all of you, and hope you love me too. Separation has not changed my feelings, but has only made them stronger.

God bless. 

Dorsett, Lyle W., ed. The Essential C.S. Lewis. New York: Touchstone Books, 1988. Print.