Simple Blessings and Lessons (with a simple retraction)

 This blog was originally posted on Saturday night. However, there were several issues with it that had to be addressed before it could be reposted.

I would like to offer a formal retraction. A retraction is a newspaper term somewhat like a correction, but with a harsher connotation. According to the dictionary a retraction is the art of retracting meaning, "to withdraw (a statement, opinion, etc.) as inaccurate or unjustified, especially formally or explicitly; take back."

One of my favorite books is Harriet the Spy. Like me Harriet is an ambitious young writer who dreams of seeing the world and becoming famous one day. And like me Harriet also ended up hurting feelings in her writing. 

Though neither of us were intentional about our writing being mean both of us wrote down thoughts that were perhaps a bit too cruel to be kind. From that writing hurts in friendships developed. And both Harriet and I have regrets for it that eventually turn into retractions of our previous writing.

 As Harriet says in the movie version, "Don't think about it. Truth is important but so are your friends. And if you can have them both then it's a good life". 

A few weeks ago my pastor gave a sermon on the importance of truth and love. He said that truth provides structure in life, the bones, but truth without love is harsh and cold. You need both the bones (truth) and the skin and fat (love) to make life good. Both are equally important, and I suppose while I was trying to be truthful about my feelings in my blog I forgot to be loving. 

Therefore I would like to write a formal retraction just as Harriet does in the movie of my past writings which may have hurt certain people's feelings. This post has been rewritten with the truth, but also with my love for my friends. 

To any people I may have hurt I wish to say that I am sincerely sorry and that I wish to make it clear that I love you deeply. You are all great friends and I appreciate your love and support. Please never take my writing too seriously. I often tend to write on emotion, which leads to a skewed perception of things and therefore a hazy understanding.  There's a line in a children's book called The Little Prince which really sums up the problems with my last blog: "La langue est source de malentendu" or "Language is the source of misunderstanding". It's so true. I apologize for all statements made and for all misunderstanding which have happened in the last few weeks. With that in mind here is my recently edited post. 

 

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs. Longs days of classes mixed with difficult nights of homework. I barely survived a lab exam on Thursday and then had to host a student visiting the school for a few days. There were worship band auditions, and blood tests, and general awfulness.

But the week has also been full of various blessings.

Sunday began with a painful transition back from Easter break. I was tired and sad to have left my wonderful family. I went to bed without doing my French homework because I couldn't think properly. I let my general upset feelings pull me into a low point that I struggled to get out of for an hour at least before finally falling into exhausted slumber. As I was finally drifting off I prayed to God for encouragement. I told Him I needed someone to lift my spirits...to tell me I was beautiful and talented...to remind me of my worth.

Don't get me wrong. I know what I'm worth, and God tells me daily in His actions that I am precious to Him...but sometimes it's difficult to remember without a little help from other people as well.

I went through the day feeling tired and worn out. I got to the afternoon and had a friend ask if I could be used for a psychology experiment. I nervously accepted.  A few hours later my friend called me into the laundry room so she could do the experiment. I sat on the washer and waited. To my surprise she began to read me a letter. I listened in mild shock as she told me that I was beautiful and kind. Tears gathered in my eyes and I looked away. I could not believe that God had truly fulfilled my request the very next day. I had expected to maybe get a bit of encouragement sometime in the week. I did not expect the very words I had asked for. I suppose I should have. After all one of my favorite verses in Ephesians tells me about the power of prayer.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3: 20-21

God was good to me. I cried a bit with my friend and hugged her. I left and went back to my room to absolutely break down for a while. After sobbing in amazement at God's great work I finally took the time to message my friend with a "I needed that, thank you."

Tuesday perked me up as well. I had my audition for worship band that day. I was nervous because one of the songs was harder for me to play. I prayed to God as I walked: "Please don't let it be that song! God you love me, please let me play Might to Save which I'm good at!" I was like a demanding child, hoping for more of God's great power in my song choice. But God had other plans. Instead I received Here I am to Worship as my song. I was happy because it wasn't the hard song, but not thrilled because it was not Mighty to Save. However, as I started playing I began to see why God had picked it.

Here I am to Worship reminded me that I was not doing chapel band for myself. I was auditioning because I wanted to worship God with my musical talents. I wanted to show the world my love for God through violin. Here I am to Worship allowed me to focus on Him rather than on me. I got through feeling alright about it. At the end of the night I got an email saying I didn't need to return for the Friday recalls...I had already been picked.

Wednesday was another hard day. It started out with waking up late and rushing to a French conversation. I struggled through that before rushing to a chapel rehearsal. I forgot to drink water for my blood test later that day. I went to French class and then to lunch where I finally remembered my lack of water which would make the blood test harder. I tried drowning myself in water at lunch, even though I knew it would do no good.

It was just a dreary horrible day and I was ready for an end.

I got in and said I had an appointment. To my annoyance I was told I had written the time down wrong. My appointment was in half an hour instead...the same time I'd scheduled a French conversation.

I smiled weakly and apologized before leaving. I walked swiftly back towards the dorm. I knew my roommate was probably back and I couldn't break down in my room therefore. So I walked to the prayer chapel pleading with God to let it be empty. It wasn't. 

I went to my next location...the canyon. As I was walking down bird poop splatted right in front of me, a small bit getting on my jeans. I let out a cry of annoyance, unable to believe my day could be so horribly bad that a bird would poop on me! To my annoyance there was a truck parked on the trail and people walking along it. I stormed back up the hill to my dorm, frustrated with my lack of quiet places. It is probably my least favorite thing about college. There is nowhere I can go to be truly and completely alone when I want to be. I am either alone while surrounded by people or actually with a group. 

How I got calm again I don't know. My emotions from sleep deprivation and...other things...finally exhausted themselves and I emailed my French TA to tell her I wouldn't be at the conversation before walking back for the blood draw. It took two pokes to get a vein, one in each arm and I forgot to ask about a weird problem with the skin on my finger, but that over with I could relax a bit more. 

I was drained and I was trying to study for a test and finish a few big projects. 

I set into the next day with a good deal of determination to have a better day. It began with me finishing about 50 or more flashcards and putting together a collection of biology articles all in about 3 hours (2 of which came from a skipped Bible class...sorry mom and dad). I had a nice lunch with my friend (the one I'd been mean to the day before), and got in a conversation with my French TA who thoroughly understood my problems with not being able to come the day before. The conversation went spectacularly. Fitness workout was good and I managed to read a canto of Don Juan for British literature in the time as well. Biology passed easily with a lecture on sexual reproduction (ooh my favorite...not) and then managed to get a B on my quiz for Brit Lit even with my minimal amounts of studying and my reading of Don Juan about an hour before class. 

I had a horrible lab exam for bio. Pretty sure I flunked it pretty well.

After the dreadful lab test I went and met my student I was hosting. I usually find it draining to entertain someone, but the girl we had was fun and sweet and I found myself uplifted being around her. God blessed me as I finished off a French project on the foods of the different regions. 

Friday started out with late breakfast with the preview student,  a wonderful session of worship and a proud French presentation I was realizing things were definitely perking up. I was thankful for that and was thrilled by the blessings that God have given to me.

The evening was a bit more stressful. I needed a ride to the zoo for a biology field trip, but I could not seem to find one anywhere. The lab was worth a good 20 points, certainly not major, but definitely a big chunk. Every single person I asked seemed to have a full car. I was frustrated to a point of sending messages to people I didn't even know. I hated it, but I needed to do it.

An hour before I went to bed I got a message from a girl in my class saying she could take me. About two minutes later I got another message. During the night I got probably five more messages. Though some were just apologies for not being able to take me, there were two or three offering rides. I was thrilled that people were so kind as to offer rides to someone they didn't know, or at least to reply to my messages with apologies. 

Today was full of zoo trip, a lovely mocha from my roommate (you are amazing if you are reading this!), and finally a blessing of flowers.

This week has been known for it's simple blessings, the ways that God worked in quiet easy ways. The flowers were likewise a very simple yet very meaningful message from God. 

I recently finished my second book. It is certainly not publishable, and there are some elements of it that I don't particularly like well enough to ever attempt putting it into the public. However, one part of it I did like. Each chapter was named after a flower and the flower's subsequent meaning. There were a wide variety: roses for love, geraniums for friendship, myrtle for marriage. The last chapter is called camellia meaning forever thine, a chapter where my protagonist offers a wedding ring to his love with a camellia engraved upon it. 

 

For the last few months I have been particularly enchanted by the flowers outside my dorm window. They are beautiful pink and white flowers that are in full bloom. For the last few weeks I've been meaning to look up what they are, but I continually kept forgetting. Today I finally took the time.

As I attempted to look it up a sudden thought struck me. I'd only ever seen a camellia in a drawing (representing the tiny engraving on the wedding band), but its shape seemed similar to the flowers on the bush. I quickly googled a picture of a real camellia and had to smile. The bush outside my room was a camellia, the same flower which had so beautifully represented the love story I'd written. 

To me those flowers were a blessing. They were a strange coincidence to be there...no more than a coincidence...a gift. God had planned years in advance for that bush to be planted right outside of my dorm window where I would see them and understand the message of them. Although I had gone through a long and tough week God was with me throughout it. The message of the camellia, my gift from God, rang true. He was forever with me...forever my God, forever my savior, forever my comforter. He was forever. Forever love. 

And that is my message for the week. That though we go through times of trouble and strife God is always with us. Throughout friendship troubles, blood tests, bird poop, and projects. Throughout the general messiness of life. Throughout all that we struggle with and hurt from. God is our forever, the only thing constant in our lives.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10