Bravery

"Oh, I wish I was braver."

"If you were any braver, you'd be a lioness."

 

I recalled those words so vividly as I sat on the couch. Aslan talking to Lucy in Prince Caspian. It had all begun as a simple prayer for bravery. I'd sat with my computer, musing about my lack of courage. I was trying to motivate myself to give an injection necessary for my arthritis. All sense of bravery seemed to fail me. And so I thought to myself: "I wish I was braver."

I heard a whisper in  my mind, the line from the movie returning to me. I knew it was God's voice speaking, encouraging me to take the first step in giving myself the shot.

I felt so pathetic. I couldn't even muster up the strength to deal with a short jab of pain. Yes, the medicine felt like a wasp's sting, but even so I knew it was minor. There were people in the world who dealt with far worse on a regular basis.

But those words in my head gave me hope. I went and sat out in the sun for 30 minutes, stilling my anxieties and quieting myself. I kept my syringe under my shirt to help warm it up. I'd been told it was less painful if it was nice and warm.

I then iced my leg for fifteen minutes. By the time I was done it was red and I could barely feel my finger touching it.

I uncapped the syringe after washing my leg with an alcohol swab. I was nervous, but I managed to put the syringe down. I placed a rag in my mouth. I'd found this helped lessen the pain ever so slightly if I could clamp down on the rag with my teeth.  It felt pathetic, but I wasn't sure I could muster up the strength without that small bit of comfort.

I hesitated once, lifting the pen back up, but then slowly placed it back. I pushed the button and felt the medicine empty into my leg. It hurt terribly and I bit down on the rag. After ten seconds of holding it in place I at last released. Blood spurted from the small hole. It was done.

Thank you lord, for giving me bravery, I thought to myself. Thank you for calming my fears and allowing me to proceed on. Again a familiar thought came to me. I recalled a church conference several years before. We'd talked about queen Esther, a biblical character of great strength. In her story Esther is forced to risk her life to save her own people. She must go to her husband, the king, unannounced. In those days such an act of defiance was punishable by death. But even though Esther is afraid she continues on, going to see the king and begging him to see her so she can talk to him. Nowhere in the story does it say that Esther truly overcame her fears. In a movie version of the story One Night with the King Esther faints before she can even speak. Was she brave? Indeed she was, but how can that be if she never truly conquered her fears?

Another famous person once summarized it as:

 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Mark Twain

Indeed, to be brave we need not lose all fear. No...we should move on without letting our fears hold us back. Esther is a great example of bravery, as is Lucy. Both young females held out, even in the face of their fears. I can only hope that I will continue to gain bravery. Today I took one small step. I only hope that each day I can take slightly bigger ones. And slowly but surely I will gain bravery. And even if I don't, God is always there to support me in what I fear. All I have to do is call His name. Lucy had Aslan beside her when she fought, and so do I.

But even as I am today I know that God is proud of me. I can still hear him whisper in my ear, proud even of my small feat of strength.

"If you were any braver, you'd be a lioness."